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LETTING GO

This year has been a profound year for me therapeutically speaking. Less than 6 months ago I finally understood why I had responded to life the way I had always done. Why I had fallen down the rabbit hole of depression that took me to the verge of suicide but also what helped me to survive it and make me the person I am today.

Yes, 2019 has been a year of discovery and I’m still processing it all, which is of no surprise after a build up of decades.

In short it stems from an unavoidable necessity to trust, violation and despite the violation, then desertion.

Just over 2 weeks ago, the freediving world lost a very special person to a non water related accident…

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GRATITUDE FROM ANOTHER ANGLE

Aged 11 I went to boarding school.  I wanted to go.  I’d seen my brother and sister go off and I wanted in on this amazing adventure. For 3 days it was and then the crushing reality of homesickness started to rip me apart. It was the first time in my life...
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RESILIENCE – PART II

6 months ago I wrote a post about resilience, the mental muscle that we build up unconsciously and consciously throughout life and that the more more we strengthen it, the more benefit it has to us. There is so much more to resilience than I originally thought… May was not a fun month for me.
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TURNING 45

Today I turn 45.  Yes, I know I’ve been talking about being 29 for quite a few years now but today I actually turn 45 and with all the preconceived notions that we have in the western world. There are the usual “adulting” questions that run through my mind:  What am I doing with my life?
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SURFEARS 3.0 – REVIEW

I’ve been back in the water for a few weeks now and have been trying out the new SurfEars 3.0. Before I go any further, if you don’t already know, they sponsor me. However even if they weren’t generous enough to do this, I would still be using their product as they have revolutionised my water life...
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HAPPINESS FROM NOTHING MORE THAN A SINGLE BREATH OF AIR

I arrived back in Dahab at the end of March and had hoped to jump straight in and start my training with a view to doing a small competition at the end of April but my plans were thwarted by my sinuses having different plans for me, for 10 days…. Finally I managed...
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DIVING INTO TRUST

Everyone suffers at least one bad betrayal in their lifetime. It’s what unites us. The trick is not to let it destroy your trust in others when that happens. Don’t let them take that from you. Sherrilyn Kenyon I have recently learned the extent of my trust issues, where they stemmed from and how I have inadvertently spent all...
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GROWING PAINS

The start of 2019 has seen the biggest mental growth spurt of my life and could well be, the most influential weeks of the rest of my life. I set out to do a comedy course, not because I think I’m funny or fancy doing stand-up (because believe me right now I really don’t,) but to benefit my public speaking. I hoped it would help me to...
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MAKING MAGIC IN YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Anyone who has ever heard the phrase “comfort zone” has almost certainly heard the old adage that the magic happens on the edge of it or outside it. I propose that the magic happens as a result of enlarging your comfort zone and is mostly revealed once you have returned to the safety...
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JUST BEFORE YOU BRING IN THE NEW…

There is always a desire to celebrate the good stuff and brush off the crap of the preceding year, hoping that the next 12 months will be better. But we could be missing out on a lot of positivity by doing this. It is very easy to write off bad experiences by not accepting what has actually happened or...
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SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

Should I dive deeper, should I sit here and enjoy the view or should I return to the surface? It isn’t really one of life’s difficult decisions and sooner or later my urge to breath will encourage me to ascend. Making decisions or choices can be like torture for someone who suffers...
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DUVET DAYS

I go to the ocean and hold my breath to stop time and to hide; To let the waters wash around me, even through me to silence the voices to calm my weary spirit. Suspended in a place of eternal blue currents gently play caressing my skin soothing my soul. Bathed in the peace and tranquil embrace of the deep...
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DO YOU SEE WHO I SEE?

Have you ever wondered if your self-assessment is accurate? Is your self-doubt or lack of confidence warranted? Do the people close to you know parts of you better than you know yourself? The paradox is that you have always been you, and you only see yourself from the inside...
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RESILIENCE

When children begin to learn to walk they constantly fall down and have to keep trying again and again, but with persistence, encouragement and support they learn how. Recovery from depression involves persistence too, but it isn’t easy because the life of depression is about surviving...
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JAWS!

Flesh being torn apart by sharp incisors. Chew size pieces crushed and ground before being swallowed… Did you think i was talking about sharks? Apologies for misleading you, I want to talk about the human jaw and how it affects our health rather than our frequently misunderstood fishy friends...
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JUST MOVE YOUR FOOT

When my depression was really bad, there were days when I mentally struggled to get out from under the duvet to even go to the loo, let alone brush my teeth. I would have to talk myself into moving my foot to just start the process of getting out of bed, whilst trying to ignore the craziness...
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BACK ON THE MAT

Today I did yoga for the first time in nearly 15 months and almost cried after the class because I had missed it so much. Yes, it does sound a little over dramatic, but then I can be at times. I was in Roatan for the World Championships, August 2017 and had an accident...
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WHY SUICIDE?

I have known people who have died by suicide. Some were friends, some acquaintances. I came close to it myself 18 years ago. For those left behind following a death by suicide, questions of “why did they do it?” and “could I have prevented it?” ...
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BECOMING A JOY JUNKIE

As a child I hated running, I hated walking. In fact I would pretty much do anything possible to get out of putting one leg in front of the other. I have always maintained I would rather swim somewhere than walk and it would probably be faster too!...
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“HOW CAN YOU BE SURE THE DEPRESSION WON’T COME BACK AGAIN?”

It is a question I get asked a lot and the answer is simple: I now have control over my depression, rather than it having control over me. 18 years ago, depression affected almost every part of my life...
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I SAW THE LIGHT

In May 2017, 17 years since my last major depression episode, I posted a photo on Instagram that I had taken from underneath the surface in the Blue Hole, Dahab. I was looking up at the freedivers on the surface and it reminded me of the disconnect...
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